Nothing much...

I don't have a ton this morning, but have the urge to post none the less...

Learned something new:
Yesterday was MLK Day and a cousin by marriage had a "Hope y'all had a happy Robert E Lee day!" I was instantly angry. WTH? But upon Googling it, learned that the two gentlemen actually do share a birthday. I still kinda think it was probably posted to be ugly, but I won't judge beyond that.

To Paxil or not:
After the stress of having three babies in three years and two months, Dr. K wrote me a script for Paxil. I don't like to over-credit a substance, but holy moly, that stuff changed my life. I could finally just sit in a situation and not react. It was good for my marriage and the children got to have a mommy that rolled with a messy floor and spilt milk. I gained quite a bit of weight, but even that didn't matter, as I felt as good as I EVER had. And then, like with all people that are well medicated, I decided I didn't need the drug anymore. I was wanting to have baby # four, and the weight was starting to get me down. I called Dr. K and asked what our next step should be. Well, it didn't go well. Paxil withdrawls are AWFUL. No other drug or cocktail of anti-anxiety drugs would hold me, and at one point I ended up having a panic attack (which had to have been an adverse reaction to another anti-anxiety drug). I thought I was going to die. Seriously, it was one of the darkest places I have ever been. My marriage suffered, and I don't even want to know what my children were thinking. Never, one to have suicidal thoughts, I was ready to get on a bus with a one-way ticket to escape myself. So...we finally found that Lexipro does an OK job of curbing my anxiety and it is compatible with pregnancy. I haven't been terribly loyal to taking it during this pregnancy, more just when I feel myself slipping to the bottom/dark days of the cycle my life seems to happen in. But here I am at the end of my pregnancy with a script for Paxil waiting for me to deliver, and I am not sure if starting the process over again is the right answer. The last several months have been stressful with the remodel and weeks of bed rest and I am coping. On the other hand, wouldn't be nice to just take the Paxil and enjoy my baby moon, when I know I am going to be under rested and trying to get back to normal with the other kiddos. I will continue to weigh the sides...I am not ready to decide today.

The Foodoholic:
I have always been most concerned and disturbed by the way Ella deals with things. It's been pointed out by my therapist, I find her reactions to life scary, because it is the reaction I am working so hard NOT to have. I feel like she cries ALL the time. And I spend YEARS of my life being told to stop crying, when as an adult I now believe that wasn't an appropriate response by my parents. So...I spend a lot of time reacting to Ella by telling her to STOP CRYING because she is affecting my anxiety level negatively, which is exactly not the parenting cycle I want to fall into. In the last several weeks, Ella's newest thing has been food. She wants to eat all the time, except when we are sitting at a meal time. It's all she talks about. Mommy I'm hungry, how much longer until we eat, when is lunch, what could she have if it was time to eat. It can be eight minutes after we finish dinner and she has promised she is full and she is begging for something to snack on. I feels like it's a boredom or control issue. I have no idea how to handle it except to be strict about snack times? I know making/letting food be an issue will just lead to bigger issues later. {sigh}

All for now...I need a nap.